I like to think of the stretch between January 1st and March 10th as a trial period. In this trial period I am able to get a good read on what I actually want out of the year and reflect on the previous year. It is important to note reflection does not equate to rumination— a hard lesson that has taken years for me to learn. And to be quite honest I was suffering the consequences of too many mystery concoctions from December 31st combined with my default scatterbrain to remember to make a post here. But there is something much more empowering about kicking off your new year on your birthday as opposed to January 1st. Without further ado, here is my 25th Birthday Resolution:
Embrace Delusion
Remember my post on why you should romanticize your life? I’ll admit I lost sight of that concept for a while but I am returning to it with a little extra. I try to convince myself that I am being pragmatic when the truth is I am only putting myself down. Be it with my career, hobbies, goals, travel and even love I have fallen back into a bad habit of shooting myself down before I even give myself a fair chance. How I came to this conclusion is realizing how unhappy I was trying to bargain my “dream life” with “real life”. Truth is I never saw the standard “American dream” as my goal. If you asked my family or anyone from my hometown, my dreams of living abroad as a freelance writer—UX designer— academic—content creator—professional pole dancer would be quite delusional. To me it’s all possible (maybe at different times). ‘Delusion’ is very much a hyperbole but it packs a harder punch than “believe in myself”.
Completion > Perfection
As I am writing this post I am procrastinating on the first of two assignments standing in the way of my TEFL certification because my perfectionistic tendencies are so zeroed in on everything being right on the first try as opposed to just getting it DONE. My perfectionism is the reason I have over 30 drafts and so many other projects that never got to take flight. 25 is the year I end this internal war and prioritize completion over perfection.
Embrace “Failure”
Piggybacking off my previous point, my fear of failure has become paralyzing once again. My language learning has halted, graduate school plans are a mystery once again, and the vision of several other projects are clinging onto dear life because I am afraid of failing. Sometimes I think it’s a first generation middle class thing. You know? When you get to a place of being comfortable but there is always that looming dark cloud, thick with torrential down pour of destruction if you make one single failure? Yeah. That one. I have been feeling it’s presence more than ever lately but not in the same way. Most of the time the storm cloud hovering nearby reminds you to play it safe— and that’s how it started— but lately it’s been feeling like very much the opposite. My progress as a pole dancer didn’t happen without hundreds of failures. Bumps, bruises and even a sprained wrist were all apart of the journey. Long story short, 25 is the year of dusting myself off and trying again.
Becoming My Alter Ego
Sage, as I like to call her, is a silent force to be reckoned with and the best part is that we are not that different at all. The only differences standing in my way of fully embodying her is my current wardrobe and startlingly lack of audacity. I have absolutely no regrets spending the last few years doing the internal work necessary to let go, heal and rebuild my sense of self and self esteem. I highly recommend everyone make that part of their glow up journey. Now I want to see her in the mirror. I’ve spent the last few years downplaying myself by waiting to be recognized and obscuring myself with my clothes. No more. It is time my wardrobe reflects the person I am growing into and I stop being so annoyingly humble (as in downplaying myself).
Heal My Relationship with Community
One of my toxic traits is isolating. I don’t do it to harm anyone, I actually do it to soothe and protect myself. I do not share the same romanticized view of ‘community’ that seems to be popular at the moment. ‘Community’ has hurt me the most. So I redefined my understanding of community to kick off my healing journey. To me a community is a collective of individuals most likely with a common interest. For me community should not feel like a hive mind. Community should not shun individuality in the way of expression and thought. Community should not be draining. Community is something to be a part of— not be consumed by. This healing has been a work in progress for at least two years and so far I am forming beautiful (mostly platonic) connections with new people, in a new city as an adult INFJ with ease. Most of the credit goes to pole as I have formed supportive friendships in real life and online.
Tell me! What are your personal resolutions?
She Was Here 
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