She Was Here

What if the solution is to do nothing? What if the panacea for pain is simply allowing time to do its thing? What if evolution came without our interference? What if constantly trying to fix the problem just made it worse or even more stagnant?

I am a compulsive fixer. Finding and giving solutions is truly the only way in which I feel valued and the only thing I think makes me valuable. It doesn’t help that my job description and industry runs on “innovation” which is just a fancy euphemism for fixing shit that is not necessarily broken. I am literally paid to constantly think up solutions. My literal value lies in seeking out problems with a magnifying glass and conjuring up solutions whether or not there has been demand from our target audience. It goes without saying being a ‘fixer’ isn’t all bad. If there were no problems needing solutions in the world every single one of us would be out of a job. We would not be enjoying modern conveniences that the thought of living without seems absolutely inconceivable. Problem solving is a wonderful skill that births amazing feats of innovation day in and day out. At least when the time calls for it.

Maybe I can blame it on a trauma response or not knowing how to turn off my work brain but my compulsive fixing is beginning to do more harm than good. Allow me to elaborate. Fellow spiritualists would call my quarter life crisis my “healing journey” which is a nicer way of saying “getting my shit together”— all under the ‘fixing’ umbrella. For the last year and a half to two years I have been diving deep into wounds that never quite healed and bridging the gap between who I am at the present moment and who I actually want to be. As ‘woo woo’ as I am I cannot help but roll my eyes at prescriptions of “…just be present in the moment…” and my therapists haven’t differed much in their responses over the years. I CRAVE tangible solutions and results. I only believe it when I see it— not the other way around. On one hand it is a very grounded way of looking at things and garners a lot of praise, however, it often leaves me empty and constantly on the mission to ‘fix’ myself without rest. My output is never enough. I am never enough under this lens.

Furthermore my interpersonal relationships suffer. When it comes to my loved ones I think it is implied I have the utmost best of intentions wanting to relieve them of any bit of suffering. Perhaps it is a bit narcissistic to see them as extensions of myself but when they come with a dilemma that seems confusing my wheels start turning because I just can’t live with the guilt of letting them walk straight into the wolves. The same wolves that ripped me to shreds after no one warned me and punished me for getting injured. I just cannot bear to watch a loved one struggle. Plus just sitting there and not helping makes me feel like a shit friend, sister, etc. Only it doesn’t and jumping into fix it makes it worse. I damage their trust in me and therefore our relationship. I only alienate them. Fixing the problem creates a new one when they just wanted a soundboard.

I have no idea where I wanted this post to go and I have been texting friends while writing it. More like apologizing for being a shitty friend and unpacking where this compulsion came from. Unpacking my compulsive problem solving and getting real vulnerable about the fears that power it will be the follow up post. The best way to wrap up this post is to begin my unlearning process and NOT brainstorm solutions and let it be in all its authenticity.