She Was Here

Part of growing up is understanding we’ve been fed inaccurate definitions of love that more so align with infatuation or limerence. Then it’s figuring out the balance of fantasy and reality for the love in your life. I think I’ve stumbled upon mine in understanding love not as a dizzying, all-consuming escape. Quite the opposite. I am of the camp that believes love is a choice. This is applicable to all types of love even though I will frame it through the lens of romantic and self love.

True love is a choice. It’s not the drunken and forsaking need stories have illustrated; it is a sober want. You have to truly want to love yourself and or another so badly that you choose it even on your worst days.

The “want” and the choice are not one in the same. I believe the want is a feeling— the magical, unexplainable pull we yearn to experience but is not always good for us. Choice, however, is the tangible element. You can want to love yourself but choose not to take the actions needed to achieve. You can want a certain person in your life as a romantic partner but choose not pursue them or do your part to foster a healthy and flourishing relationship.

More on romantic love; I believe we are worthy of love but I no longer believe in a partner “completing” me. In my previous relationship and encounters I so badly needed someone to “complete” me and distract me from my fears of being unlovable and defective so much so I chose to ignore all of their choices to hurt me. I chose to ignore their glaring flaws and their choices not to do better. I chose to sacrifice myself to be absorbed into them. I have been single for so long because I chose me and I chose to learn to love myself in order to feel and be whole on my own. Since then I have fallen in love with myself so much so the need for validation for a romantic companion is no longer there. But I want it.

Choosing love does not have to be “either or” choice. The next person I choose to love romantically it is in addition to loving myself. I now understand the sentiment “you cannot love somebody until you love yourself”. Loving myself has meant acknowledging the parts about myself with radical honesty and either learning to work with them or to change them for a better version of me. Loving myself has meant choosing to show up for myself even on the days I wanted to give up completely. Loving myself has meant making hard decisions to protect myself by letting go of people, places, and things that I outgrew. Loving myself widened my capacity to love and accept others as they are without the need for rose colored glasses.

I want everyone to experience this kind of self love and I want my next romantic experience to be us choosing each other as we choose ourselves in the most healthy and compatible way possible. I don’t need them in my life to make me feel whole and validated; I do that on my own quite well. But you best believe I want them and choose them everyday because we shine bright separately but are blinding together.