She Was Here

For some reason breaking up with friends is a lot more painful for me than walking away from a romantic partner. Perhaps there’s something in me that expects for romantic connections to eventually meet its end— and perhaps that is self sabotage but that’s not today’s focus— while it’s much more difficult to wrap my mind around severing platonic ties. I don’t have any advice or encouraging words other than “listen to your gut”. Two weeks later, I still feel as though I’m in a state of mourning.

My college years ended up not being as fun and carefree as I once imagined. To be frank they broke me— primarily through relationships at that. Being so broken I developed unhealthy attachments to certain people and failed to be a good friend to those who truly deserved so much better from me. Maybe one day I’ll get the chance to tell them but for right now I’ll just continue to wish them the absolute best from afar.

The pandemic uprooted me from my apartment near campus in Atlanta and plopped me back home in Detroit. Not only was I physically detached from that world but mentally and emotionally as well. Granted the process did not come without periods of withdrawal and rehabilitation. Their presence was no longer there to keep me distracted— I finally had stillness and it terrified the shit out of me. Being able to clearly hear my thoughts and take stock of my relationship— with myself and others— left my mind and body chronically aching. Sometimes to the point of bursting into tears and ear splitting, agonizing screams while aimlessly driving. Something I highly DO NOT recommend.

I was naked and raw, free falling out of my cloud of confusion— possibly ‘delusion’. But I was finally clear. I finally had the answers I knew all along but it was the shame of allowing myself to be gaslit and gaslighting myself that felt like salt in fresh wounds.

As much as I wanted to shed my scar covered skin and go back to life as normal, I knew I couldn’t. I just couldn’t and haven’t been able to for a long time because I was seeing what I presume others saw but knew I was in no state to receive warning. I suppose I was feeling it every time I had to go MIA for weeks on end after interactions with them as they left me drained. The irritation that coated every nerve in my body each time they made their presence known. This wasn’t fair to any of us. I deserve peace in my friendships and they deserve to be appreciated. It was time.

In the two weeks since I severed ties, I am lighter. Sure I still worry like the control freak that I am about what could possibly be said about me and what the future hold, but I’m starting to feel like the version of me that I’ve always wanted to be instead of feeling trapped in a shell that affirms everyone besides me.

Not all energy vampires know what they are— not all do it intentionally. I don’t think they meant me harm but codependency and trauma bonds always hurt in the long run. Let ‘em go.