She Was Here

Not Waiting for Permission or Validation

As children and teenagers we become so used to asking for permission and seeking a green light that it can be hard to unlearn that practice as a fledgling adult. I don’t think this phenomenon is limited to us who grew up as people pleasers but it is most obvious in us. We often find ourselves stuck in an emotionally draining tug-of-war between our big dreams and ideas that require a leap of faith and our need for outside approval– the latter often being the winner. I know it’s hard but you must break free in order to have a fulfilling adult experience.

As cliche as “validate yourself” is, it’s a necessary skill. Notice I refer to self validation as a skill because it truly takes constant practice to master and maintain. To be very honest, as I write this post I am far from being a pro because how does one even get taught such a skill? Regardless, as I learn it feels good to be the architect of my own joy and fulfillment.

I guess the key to stop seeking validation is trusting yourself. It’s scarier in adulthood because the stakes are higher– there are some failures that are harder to bounce back from if you can bounce back at all. Not to mention the pressure to feign like we have it all together in record timing. Being in that mental pressure cooker leaves no room for trusting yourself and your own pacing– just tightly following a template that may not even fit you– therefore no room to explore and develop true resilience. Then again I’m speaking from the point of view of a recovering people pleaser.

An additional part of this journey is embracing the art of starting over. To be quite honest, I’ve always looked forward to starting over as an opportunity for reinvention but starting over doesn’t always entail gains. Letting relationships and the shell of your former self all fall away can be just as terrifying as it is satisfying because there is no comfort. Having to be okay with being the bad guy for cutting people I’ve had long histories with off and changing in such a way that does not resonate with my old environment has been a mindfuck.

Last year I wrote a post about my thoughts that led me to pursue an English teaching position in South Korea (spoiler: I ended up staying in the states due to a better job offer, however, Korea is not off the table *wink wink*) and dealing with my fear of uncertainty. I want to end by revisiting this fear. Not waiting for permission, trusting yourself, and starting over all require walking straight into the thick, heavy, opaque fog of uncertainty. As much as I go out of my way to plan every single micro detail, there will always be something to blind side me. There will always be something that might not go according to plan. There will always be something. Adulting isn’t just mitigating that ‘something’ but it’s also riding it out and dealing with it.