She Was Here

Along with the trends of romanticizing your life and becoming the main character also came the “Becoming That Girl” trend as popularized on TikTok. While not inherently wrong– in fact having the potential to be an uplifting and encouraging trend– it is not perfect. The keyword being “perfect”. A word that zaps the feelings of shame and inadequacy into many, especially an audience of mostly teenage girls which this trend is most popular among. While I’m personally in favor of the trend and hope that’s not all it will remain, I do see the validity in the criticisms. Especially criticisms in potentially promoting dangerous mindsets like toxic positivity, obsession with perfectionism, eating disorders, reinforcement of eurocentric beauty standards etc. but I would not be so quick to write off the trend as inherently toxic. Such criticisms lay groundwork for an even better approach to this trend as well as self actualization.

Moving Past the Mononlith

When the That Girl trend first entered my orbit, the most prolific critiques I came across were that it reinforced eurocentric beauty standards and only promoted a singular “type”. Basically the trend was a monolith. And based on the moodboards that came across my timeline, I could not disagree. For the record I enjoyed many of the images for my own vision board for inspiration but it got real boring, real fast. Perhaps it is my personal optimism but I view this void as an excellent opportunity to introduce variety. As a black woman in her early 20s, I can only relate so much to the blonde yogi girl with a green smoothie practically super glued to her hand at all times. But that’s not her problem. And neither is it mine. While inspired by her dedication to wellness, she is not who I aspire to be and that is perfectly okay. 

I am not far removed from my teenage years, so I understand the pressure many young girls feel to emulate a specific aesthetic to a tee. Because the blonde, green juice girl is one of the very few and very narrow boxes that the larger society tells you to stuff yourself into if you want to be “good enough”. I’ve been there and it’s only in recent years it finally sunk in that: 1) humans (which girls and women very much are) are far too complex and multifaceted to ever be a monolith. 2) trying to appeal to the unspecific masses by conforming to their fickle and ever changing standards only hurts you in the end. And finally, 3) imitating is not living. In short, That Girl already exists within you but it is up to you as an individual to define who she is according to you and you only. There may be some overlap but nonetheless That Girl will look different for everyone.  

Becoming That Girl falls under the same umbrella as the main character and romanticizing your life philosophies. However, the key differentiating factor is the emphasis on active transformation that defines the That Girl trend versus the focus on intentionality and mindfulness that drives the latter philosophies. When incorporating the main character philosophy into my life I had to sit and ask myself, “what are the qualities of my favorite main characters and how can I integrate them into who I already am?”. This two-fold question was key in keeping from falling into the trap of trying to fit into a monolith not meant for me and I would advise anyone participating in this trend to do the same. Granted, it is wonderful to give new habits a try as exploration should be encouraged but not at the expense of totally forgoing one’s individuality.

The second part of moving past the monolith is a conscious effort in diversifying the image of That Girl in our algorithms. I am all too aware of the importance of balanced and positive promotion but experience has taught me sometimes being the change you want to see is enough to get the ball rolling. Just as it is hard for me to relate to the blonde green juice girl, it is equally as hard for her to relate to me as bougie, archetypal sage of a black woman. Now why would I expect, let alone trust her to positively represent my version of That Girl? Not to mention beautiful;, holistic, wellness enthusiast black women are in abundance. Although closer in interest, the That Girl trend is a personal one. Meaning many of the images produced around the trend are a reflection of an individual’s desired reality. It is self focused. 

My intent is not to tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps but to get intentional about what you want to see promoted in your algorithm. Since I am a black woman it is easier for me to refer to black girls feeling left out of this trend but these sentiments can be applied to anyone who does not fit the mold for whatever reason. Years ago I learned the importance of making sure my algorithm evoked more feelings of inspiration rather than inadequacy. I know it can be quite the undertaking but your idea of That Girl who best reflects you is out there and she could use your support thus breaking up the monolith.

Stop Chasing Perfection

Full stop. I make a conscious effort to avoid using the term “unrealistic” in order to push past self limiting beliefs but I will allow it in this context. The idea behind That Girl equals perfect is highly unrealistic because she isn’t even perfect. 

It is up to the individual to decide what and how much of their life they wish to share with the world, therefore it is up to the participants of the challenge to allow themselves grace. As much as people try to soothe one another by repeatedly driving home the fact much of what we see of our favorite influencers and celebrities on social media is carefully curated and that we are not aware of what goes on behind the scenes unless they choose to disclose that information, we forget to humanize them in the process. At the end of the day they are still imperfect human beings just like you and I. They have their underdeveloped traits and insecurities just like the rest of us, the difference being the general public being a bit too forward about their shortcomings before they are secure enough to own them. To project perfection onto them does both parties a disservice: you beat yourself up and they become more of an object for idol worship. 

I do not believe the solution is not solely to push for influencers and celebrities to go out of their way to prove their relatability. More honesty when asked about certain procedures and things of that nature? Sure. Maybe. I understand not wanting to broadcast that information as it can be used against a person to invalidate them. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and should be open when they personally feel it is safe for them. That is why I think it is important to keep in mind three things: 1) There is beauty in imperfection. 2) Your feelings of inspiration should not be rooted in inadequacy. If so, maybe it’s time for a social media break. There is no shame in taking a break and recentering yourself. 3) There are always multiple paths to get what you desire. Choose the healthier ones. 

Romanticize the Mundane

Not every second of life is going to be an action packed adventure but you can surely find joy in the mundane moments of life. 

When it comes to this trend people have a very singular view of what That Girl’s day to day life looks like. However, the romanticizing of even the lulls throughout the day or the most mundane activities reinforce a more positive view of each individual’s pace of life. 

It’s all about intentionality. Be intentional about making even simple tasks an experience. Imagine you’re filming a Vogue Beauty Secrets video as you go through your grooming routines. Pretend you’re in a starting fresh movie montage as you clean the house. Even a lazy day can be a whole experience! 

The point is to be the architect of your own joy. 

Allow Yourself to Not be Okay

This sentiment is somewhat contradicting the previous one but it must be said. Remember the point I made about only seeing glimpses into the lives of the people we follow on social media and how we forget to humanize them? Yeah, let’s revisit that. 

We’re human. The human experience is not a linear one, meaning ups and downs are guaranteed. Therefore That Girl experiences low points too. That Girl isn’t always okay even if she is chipper for the most part. She may not be forthcoming about it with her social media presence for a number of reasons but a conversation about boundaries and privacy can be put off for another day. 

There are going to be bad days. You’ll fall off the wagon every now and then. You’re going to go through things and life will throw some unexpected curve balls. Allow yourself to feel and process these negative times. Allow yourself to slow down and rest.

Don’t beat yourself up for being human and experiencing life. Get back on the horse and continue the journey when you’re ready.