She Was Here

There’s something so significant about me turning 23. I felt it the moment my family cleared out of my hotel room that weekend. When the quiet washed over me and I felt actual peace for the first time in nearly a year. It’s normal for me to find the most peace when I’m completely alone and can actually hear myself think. So I cried. They were happy tears but shed nonetheless. We all have a transformational birthday or a couple and what I THOUGHT I would feel at 18 came five years later: a rebirth.

So imagine this: the sexiest K R&B playlist you could find on YouTube is wafting through your small hotel room. After a long, hot shower you take your sweet time massaging lotion into your skin so that your satin pajama set has an equally luxurious mold to form around. I did all of that just to lay still on the soft white duvet.

I cannot remember the last time I’d ever been that present. No need for maladaptive daydreaming because I was living it out (at least one of them) in real time. That daydream is that of a young, luxurious woman who is able to fully embrace her sensuality and freedom. Alone on my birthday is the safest I felt to grow up. The safest to grow into my true self. So a decision was made. It was time to become the woman of my dreams.

Five months later I still have trouble articulating this awakening. However, I will say my takeaways are: 1) dreams can be the blueprint to a different reality and 2) all it takes is one decision, big or small, to change your entire reality.