She Was Here

Yes, you read that right. I did not attend the special combined ceremony my undergraduate alma mater held an entire year after my actual graduation– and I don’t feel bad about it. At all. Though I completely understand the symbolic (and emotional) value of graduation ceremonies, my attendance would have been disingenuous. Aside from being light years past exhausted by the events of 2020, my reasoning goes down a deeper rabbit hole of self actualization.

We typically spend the better part of two decades consumed with school and “school” is more much more than subjects, majors and minors; more than sports games and extracurriculars. School is where we begin to figure out who we are and often form relationships independent from our immediate families. I would be a liar to deny most of my personality and most significant relationships being connected to school in some way, shape or form. Once again, we spend nearly twenty years and sometimes even more in school– five days a week and for an average of eight hours a day. It’s bound to happen. So much so school becomes many people’s identity– more like a permanent persona.

My classmates and I were already vibrating with anxiety from the start of our senior year as we stood on the shaky precipice overlooking the future. This was the first time many of us were facing a level of uncertainty this high especially with the chaos brought on by COVID. My Instagram feed began to quiet as my classmates did not have much to add to their highlight reel, in fact a number of them showed vulnerability expressing how nervous they were of not being able to find employment, losing promised internships and positions, and even the stagnation. Being forced back to your childhood home can be emotionally taxing on some, I know it has been for me. I cannot speak for everyone so I will speak for myself: I realized I still had no clue who I truly was. Hours, days, and even weeks of introspection made me realize how much of my sense of self was tied to school. How much of my self worth was tied to my school’s name and academic achievement. How many of my friendships were rooted in convenience and proximity– not that I’m not grateful for them but even a year later I’d rather not sit around and reminisce. How much of a bubble in a big city I’d spent four years of my life. I felt lied to, led astray and even more lost than I was before. Safe to say graduation lost its luster.

When I graduated high school adults seemed to have the same automated response: “This was the best time of your life. You’re going to miss it”. Bold of them to assume I peaked, or was popular, or even enjoyed high school. Like college, I had good times and down right awful times that left deep scars. I made absolutely amazing friends, with whom I’m still close with to this day. But I vehemently disagreed with their projected nostalgia then and nothing changed when it came time to say goodbye to undergrad.

Society’s obsession with youth is a poisonous, double edged sword. On the one hand young people are fed by their elders the idea they shouldn’t worry about the future and focus strictly on enjoying the present while they’re young. On the other hand, young people are then looked down upon for not being prepared for their future. I agree with knowing how to stay present but how are we supposed to be prepared without the proper tools? Without proper guidance on how to embrace and coming into a more actualized version of ourselves? Of course youth should be celebrated but so should getting older. So should getting wiser and more independent. So should moving forward. I’ve never looked at getting older as something to fear. Never looked at it as some sort of death sentence or expiration date for all joy and happiness. In fact my teen and college years had to be some of the worst I’ve experienced so far.

So sure, the ceremonious closing out of that chapter would have been nice but it would not have been in celebration of me but a reliving of loved ones’ glory days or HBCU fantasies. I found closure in finding myself. I found closure in figuring out who I wanted to be and where I wanted to go. I found closure in discovering purpose. I found closure in the disillusionment. I found closure in reinvention. I found closure in crafting an identity for myself not consumed by school. Graduation is wonderful but there are more ways to celebrate this achievement. For me it has never been saying goodbye to the past as it is already understood. It is saying hello to the blank new chapter.